Hi Susan,
Thank you so much for this eye opening post. I am having a lot of trouble at the moment because my friend is always going on about her life and how wonderful it is and whenever we talk it’s always about her. She occasionally slips in the ”but tell me about you!” line but it’s only after she has spoken for hours and she clearly isn’t interested at all in what I have to say. It’s very hard for me to say anything because we have been very close for many years but it’s only now that I’m mature enough to realize that she has been very selfish and manipulative this whole time. I’m a freshman in college and this friend of mine is at a different college so whenever we talk via Skype she always focuses on herself and her life. I’ve been listening to her stories and I have been supporting her through difficult times since the beginning of high school but to be honest I am fed up with her behavior. She has no clue about how I feel and the other day she said something that really hurt: after talking about herself for more than two hours she said to me that she didn’t want me to feel like my life is ”uneventful”. Just because she goes on about her life and I don’t share every single detail with her about mine she believes that I am living an incredibly boring existence. How do I make her understand that she is being insensitive? Is it even worth it seeing as I can’t possibly change who she is or should I just gradually try to break off our friendship? I feel like this so called friendship is causing me more harm than anything else and I sometimes wish I could just run away from it all.
Thank you so much for your precious advice, I am a big fan of your work!
Hey Susan, thank you for this blog! This is SO me… not that I care for others to receive something back, more that I feel it ought to be that way. We HSP’s are there to show the world compassion, love, tenderness. Something like that. I heard it in church that this was the good thing to live by. And it is, but I did forget, just as you wrote down in the blog, to think about me too.
Of course I know that if I don’t take care of me, then in time, there is no me left to love others. Still it is so hard.
Your post got me thinking. This will be the next step I take in climbing out of my burnout.! I will write stuff down, I will talk about it with the once I trust, and work on saying NO when I HAVE to since it’s necessary indeed.
Hello dear Diana! So great to hear from you, all the way from The Netherlands : )
Yes, this is very hard indeed…and sensitive people feel so much more what it is that others want from them, which makes it harder to put yourself first when it’s necessary. It’s all about finding the right balance.
Thank you for your email prompt re this post – very timely. I actually read this along with others a few weeks ago, but I need to read it again. It’s one thing looking at the words on the page and quite another acting on them. At the moment, I’m having a bad time with a group of people I recently became ‘friends’ with. Actually, all I did was take a passive stance, hence, the feelings of being manipulated and bullied etc. I let it happen and at the age of 41, I’m determined to take responsibility and learn something from a depressing pattern in my life. I think what you’ve done and continue to do with your life is brave and inspiring. Funnily enough, at the ages of 10,16 and 24, I gave up on my dreams of dancing (yes 3 times) and that’s another thing that’s come back to haunt me in a big way. How ridiculous I was to allow what other people might have thought to influence my choices in life
I think early on in my life I had leaky boundaries.
I then went through a time that I had very strong rock solid ones and most of my responses were no. Both I think I did to “keep” me safe.
Anyway I read many books after I was able to find out that I needed to set healthy boundaries. It was important for my own health and well being as well as modelling healthy boundaries for my children.
I use to say yes to just about everything now I don’t and I feel more in control of my life. sure from time to time I have had things slip by. I have realised that it is a strength of character to look after myself first. It really helps being able to express and share the compassion, empathy and understanding to the rest of the world.
Learning the word No is very liberating and people respect you more the ones that matter. The ones that do not accept no are the ones who are not your friends and could care less about you.
Does being assertive help with those whom are difficult and unreasonable? Taker my mother, she loves to have things repeated, why, how, when?! :upset Is this her way to avoid forgetting what little control she has in her life? I advise her with utmost clarity; yet seems to think that I am the crazy fool because of my way of thinking, which is normal and acceptable with my other circle of friends and colleagues. I love your blog and wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
Definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing over and over; expecting a different result”.
Wow, was this me! I sometimes still struggle with it. And… I found that speaking up for one’s self can be a huge factor in thyroid disease! Once I was able to address these issues, my Hypothyroidism and Hashimoto’s melted away.
Thank-you so much for this article. I have many clients who struggle with this and will share your article with them! I will pick up the book too!
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Hi Susan,
Thank you so much for this eye opening post. I am having a lot of trouble at the moment because my friend is always going on about her life and how wonderful it is and whenever we talk it’s always about her. She occasionally slips in the ”but tell me about you!” line but it’s only after she has spoken for hours and she clearly isn’t interested at all in what I have to say. It’s very hard for me to say anything because we have been very close for many years but it’s only now that I’m mature enough to realize that she has been very selfish and manipulative this whole time. I’m a freshman in college and this friend of mine is at a different college so whenever we talk via Skype she always focuses on herself and her life. I’ve been listening to her stories and I have been supporting her through difficult times since the beginning of high school but to be honest I am fed up with her behavior. She has no clue about how I feel and the other day she said something that really hurt: after talking about herself for more than two hours she said to me that she didn’t want me to feel like my life is ”uneventful”. Just because she goes on about her life and I don’t share every single detail with her about mine she believes that I am living an incredibly boring existence. How do I make her understand that she is being insensitive? Is it even worth it seeing as I can’t possibly change who she is or should I just gradually try to break off our friendship? I feel like this so called friendship is causing me more harm than anything else and I sometimes wish I could just run away from it all.
Thank you so much for your precious advice, I am a big fan of your work!
Thanks for this post Susan – exactly what I needed to read today! 🙂
Hey Susan, thank you for this blog! This is SO me… not that I care for others to receive something back, more that I feel it ought to be that way. We HSP’s are there to show the world compassion, love, tenderness. Something like that. I heard it in church that this was the good thing to live by. And it is, but I did forget, just as you wrote down in the blog, to think about me too.
Of course I know that if I don’t take care of me, then in time, there is no me left to love others. Still it is so hard.
Your post got me thinking. This will be the next step I take in climbing out of my burnout.! I will write stuff down, I will talk about it with the once I trust, and work on saying NO when I HAVE to since it’s necessary indeed.
with love from The Netherlands
Hello dear Diana! So great to hear from you, all the way from The Netherlands : )
Yes, this is very hard indeed…and sensitive people feel so much more what it is that others want from them, which makes it harder to put yourself first when it’s necessary. It’s all about finding the right balance.
Thank you Dr. Biali,
I love all your posts.
Patty
“the nurse” 24/7 Uh OH! :o) :o/
:roll :zzz
So glad you liked this, thanks so much for letting me know : )
Thank you for your email prompt re this post – very timely. I actually read this along with others a few weeks ago, but I need to read it again. It’s one thing looking at the words on the page and quite another acting on them. At the moment, I’m having a bad time with a group of people I recently became ‘friends’ with. Actually, all I did was take a passive stance, hence, the feelings of being manipulated and bullied etc. I let it happen and at the age of 41, I’m determined to take responsibility and learn something from a depressing pattern in my life. I think what you’ve done and continue to do with your life is brave and inspiring. Funnily enough, at the ages of 10,16 and 24, I gave up on my dreams of dancing (yes 3 times) and that’s another thing that’s come back to haunt me in a big way. How ridiculous I was to allow what other people might have thought to influence my choices in life
I think early on in my life I had leaky boundaries.
I then went through a time that I had very strong rock solid ones and most of my responses were no. Both I think I did to “keep” me safe.
Anyway I read many books after I was able to find out that I needed to set healthy boundaries. It was important for my own health and well being as well as modelling healthy boundaries for my children.
I use to say yes to just about everything now I don’t and I feel more in control of my life. sure from time to time I have had things slip by. I have realised that it is a strength of character to look after myself first. It really helps being able to express and share the compassion, empathy and understanding to the rest of the world.
Learning the word No is very liberating and people respect you more the ones that matter. The ones that do not accept no are the ones who are not your friends and could care less about you.
Hello Susan,
Does being assertive help with those whom are difficult and unreasonable? Taker my mother, she loves to have things repeated, why, how, when?! :upset Is this her way to avoid forgetting what little control she has in her life? I advise her with utmost clarity; yet seems to think that I am the crazy fool because of my way of thinking, which is normal and acceptable with my other circle of friends and colleagues. I love your blog and wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
Definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing over and over; expecting a different result”.
Wow, was this me! I sometimes still struggle with it. And… I found that speaking up for one’s self can be a huge factor in thyroid disease! Once I was able to address these issues, my Hypothyroidism and Hashimoto’s melted away.
Thank-you so much for this article. I have many clients who struggle with this and will share your article with them! I will pick up the book too!