Over a decade ago, I wrote a post about dealing with a difficult person for my Psychology Today Prescriptions for Life Blog: “Don’t Try to Reason with Unreasonable People“. It’s the most popular piece I’ve ever written. A year prior, I’d escaped a destructive relationship with the help of an expert who helps women recover from relationships with personality-disordered partners. In that post, I shared the most powerful tactics I’d learned, strategies that continue to be invaluable.
Unfortunately, as I learned in that process, I fit a personality and profile that makes me vulnerable to this type of individual. I hoped to never fall into the same traps and poor judgments again, but people come cloaked in a variety of styles of “sheep’s clothing.”
Sadly, I’ve gained more unwelcome experiences. So, I thought I’d circle back to share fresh, hard-won insights and strategies to help you.
1) Focus on the bad, not the good.
Those who get enmeshed with people with destructive personalities tend to be optimistic, long-suffering, and loyal. Our brains struggle to process the fact that someone who is otherwise so nice and well-liked by others, could have said or done that.
Surely that was anomalous behavior? They must have been tired, or unusually stressed. They apologized, they said they’re sorry. And won’t do it again.
We experience cognitive dissonance when the same person is alternately wonderful and awful. We try to resolve that dissonance by focusing on the positive. The kind things they’ve done, their loving words. Surely that’s the real person.
Nope. It’s the opposite. Anyone can be nice or do good, especially if they wish to present a “good” façade to the world. Well-intentioned, safe people don’t make cruel comments, boldly lie, scream at you, control your choices, or give you the silent treatment at the smallest perceived slight.
Ignore the bad at your peril. If you witness even one significantly problematic behavior, such as a scary temper, run for the hills.
2) Don’t be surprised.
I’ve observed in myself and others a predictable product of dissonance-driven denial: repeated shock and surprise.
Let’s say you’re on an outing with someone. It’s an activity you’ve both looked forward to. You were having a great time until you commented on something seemingly random. Suddenly, you’re on the receiving end of a tirade. It’s the first time this has happened.
The night is ruined. You still don’t see what you did wrong, but you did your best to explain, apologize, and make things right. They apologized, too.
You feel relief, and now you’re both joking about the “misunderstanding.” That was a rough patch, but hopefully, all’s well now, no?
It might be, for a little while, perhaps even months. And then, the monster rears its head again, catching you off guard. You reel in shock. Your peace, well-being, and yet another occasion are ruined. Again.
“You won’t believe what they did this time,” you might exclaim, outraged, to sympathetic ears.
If this is a romantic relationship, hopefully, you’ll start to see a clear pattern and get out (easier said than done). But if this is a familial or work relationship you can’t avoid, you must be prepared for recurrence.
Recognition and anticipation of the inevitable give you back your power. It steals their ability to throw you off kilter for hours or days with the next tantrum or barb.
When the bad behavior recurs, stay calm and logical, like a dispassionate observer, to minimize emotional and physiological harm to yourself in the moment. If things have gotten to the point where you need to set some serious boundaries (including no contact), do that. Otherwise, let it go.
If they’ve acted out before, this time can’t be seen as a surprise. It’s not news. Don’t waste hours of your life and energy revisiting it in your mind, and telling everyone who’ll listen about what happened this time.
3) Keep them out of your head.
On two recent occasions, I spent time with a friend who has to deal periodically with an extremely difficult person. This individual has inflicted so many unwelcome surprises that my friend now invents scenarios of danger and disaster, weeks before the next encounter.
Her tormentor hijacks her brain, without having to actually do anything. My friend shifts into fight-or-flight and panic, just imagining what might happen next.
Both times, I pointed out that her brain was borrowing trouble from the future. That her (understandably) anxious amygdala was trying to get ahead of the predator, by putting her on full alert. Even though she wouldn’t see this person for weeks!
She couldn’t let him steal her peace like this, not on my watch.
In both instances, she calmed down and committed to redirecting her thoughts whenever her mind slipped into catastrophizing. In both situations, her eventual interactions with her crazy-maker turned out to be uneventful.
We may not always be able to keep them out of our lives, but we must keep them out of our heads.
4) If others don’t believe you, don’t try to convince them
The dark personality is a master of disguise. A pillar of the community. Just the best.
I’ve had experiences where I’ve shared a shocking and verifiable story, or stories, with people who asked to hear my side of things. Next to the harmful experience itself, there are few things worse than trying and failing to convince someone who isn’t motivated to see the truth.
Alternatively, they may believe you but would prefer that you just “forgive and forget,” because that would be easiest for everyone.
The truth is inconvenient. It’s far easier to maintain pre-existing perceptions, preserve the status quo, and hope that everyone will make nice so that nothing has to change.
Don’t pressure yourself to make people understand. Find the ones who do. They are the ones who will get you through and support you in making the choices that are best for you.
